Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
