You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
