There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Randomize
