If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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