His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
