She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize