So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
