I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
