look no pants
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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