matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
