Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
