He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
