My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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