I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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