I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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