I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
