I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
