i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
