I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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