Please, let me fuck your mom
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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