she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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