can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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