Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
