I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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