I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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