sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize