either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
