i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
