life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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