Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
