I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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