um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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