My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
