He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
