I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
