you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
