I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
