Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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