she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
