you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize