I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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