I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize