I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
