You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We smell like vodka and hangover
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