Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize