I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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