Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
did you just send me my own nude
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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