ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
