i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
