i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
