I can text with my tongue
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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