Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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