she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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