I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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