Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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