3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
