i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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