I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
3pm strippers are depressing
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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