Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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