I molested 6 butterflies tonight
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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