if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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