We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
