he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
