She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Randomize
