my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
